go fuck yourselves.

tired of trying to please my parents.
tired of being yelled at for no reason.
tired of being the worst child alive.

theres times when im angry, or sad, or disappointed. and usually i get over it. maybe this is one of those times, but right now it feels real. im so angry, im so frustrated, im so sick of it. they say it like im trying to disrespect them on purpose.

i tell them what im doing on friday, ok. i tell them what im doing on saturday, ok. one fucking time i dont tell them what im doing on sunday, all hell fucken breaks loose. i swear i dont try to make them angry, and im not trying to challenge them or anything. is it wrong for me to feel like i dont have to tell them everything? but not because im trying to hide something, i just feel more independent probably since i have a car.

i hate it when i do one thing wrong, and they act as if i always disappoint them. and its one thing if they dont trust me, but say it to my fucken face. dont go sneaking around behind my back, and moving my car just to show that you were there. what the fuck is wrong with you mom? you think doing that is gonna prove something, or show me that your all high and mighty now? no mom, fuck you. all that shows me is that you dont have the balls to admit your wrong to see that i wasnt fucking trying to hide something from you, or that i was lying. all i see is you failing in an attempt to catch me lying to you.

bottom line is, im starting to give up on trying to please you guys because whenever i do one thing wrong that i dont think is that big of a deal it gets blown up in my face. and then when i do try to explain myself, you guys dont even fucking listen to me or even try to understand what im saying.

go fuck yourselves.

wow

scariest shit happened today. i went over to michelles house and was over there for a bit, when her dad came home!! he was supposed to stop by costco and buy tacos before he came home but i guess he just got the tacos and didnt care to go to costco too...

so anyway holy shit i grabbed all my clothes and hid in the closet in her room with nothing but boxers and socks on, and waited. my bike was SUPPOSED to be hidden on the side of her house so her dad wouldnt see but the first thing he said when he walked in was "whos bike is that??" hahaha it was funny cuz michelle kept saying i dont know but her dad kept asking over and over in viet, fob accent ahahaha.

anyway, so im standing there with my shoes and pants in my left arm and leaning on the wall with my right, waiting for her dad to leave, when i remember i took off my shirt in the living room and threw it on the couch!! i was like shit if her dad found my shirt i would be screwed, so i whispered to michelle - who was conveniently eating her tacos - get me my shirt, its on the ocuch in the living room!! so she went out and grabbed it and threw it in her hamper. i was waiting in her closet for like 10 minutes probably, waiting for a sign so i could get out, put on my clothes and leave, and then finally her dad announced he was gonna go to costco and asked michelle if she wanted to come haha.

so he leaves, i throw on my clothes, and were contemplating whether or not i should leave right away cuz her dad might think somethings up with the random bike next to her house, and he might be circling the neighborhood or something. so we wait and think, and then a car pulls up to the driveway!!

its not her dad though, its lily. so she comes home and were like what do we do?? so i just end up leaving after that and michelle was scared and i was still on my adrenaline rush biking back hahah, it was crazy for sure. right now her dad hasnt asked her about the random bike yet, but maybe he will. i thought of an excuse to say that it was lilys friend who biked down here to go to the beach with her and then when she came home they took the bike and biked back, but hopefully her dad forgot about it hahaha

what a fucken afternoon

hmmm

i am really jealous, i guess. maybe im just paranoid or something is wrong with me, but idk. ive hung with her alot more and im more than happy at the way things have been going, but just this one thing is bothering me for some reason...

feel like she tried to hide that she was playing tennis tomorrow from me. why? i dont know. texting tony at 2 or 3 in the morning, what exactly are they talking about? waking up at 9 or 10 in the morning to go play tennis with friends yet seems unwilling to wake up that early for me. but i cant really say that cuz ive never asked her to wake up that early. and i guess im not invited to that tennis shit, didnt wanna invite myself if im not welcome.

i wonder if theyre gonna hang the rest of the day, too... that would really get me pissed. god, maybe im just really really jealous or paranoid or some shit. i think she tried to hide the fact she was texting/talking to whoever she was, and im left wondering why.

prolly look like a dumbass for even writing about stupid shit like this but fuck it.

?

confused. i didnt know relationships were supposed to work this way. i feel like there is supposed to be more, like im missing out on things im not supposed to missing out on. why do i feel so alone when im supposed to feel wanted, like i belong with someone. sure, you can say anything and everything you want but in the end its not whats said but what is done, what is shown through action, what is displayed.

there are days when im happy as can be, and then theres days like these. the only reason i think i even have happy days is the fact that i try to ignore this problem, and on my shittiest days i let it all out. i tell myself that its ok, its gonna get better, dont worry about it because time will take care of everything. but how long is this really gonna last? im tired of waiting for something that might not even happen. i feel like im wasting my time.

maybe one day ill let you read these blog entries, and maybe you will know how i feel when i type thse things. but right now i dont think you have any idea about how i feel, what im thinking. hopeless is more like it.

but then again, maybe im blowing things out of proportion. maybe not. my emotions are getting the best of me and i hate it because i have no idea what is going to happen in the future and if i will ever stay happy in this relationship. im not saying im unhappy, because i am genuinely and truly happy to know that i can say that i love someone and mean it, and that feeling of love that i have for you is real. its just a matter of whether that is enough for me to suffer through the whole week, thinking about you every second of every minute of every hour of every day, and not being able to see you for days on end. i guess you can say im getting tired of it, if i havent said it already.

im tired. im sad. im lonely.

its kinda funny how

i only blog when im pissed or sad or something, so you can guess what this blog is gonna be like.

what the fuck am i supposed to feel like when she tells me that she loved him before me, that she did what she did with him in less time than we did? just feel like shit now, i dont know why im so jealous or if theres something wrong with me but it pisses me off. maybe thats the way i am, and its my fault for feeling like this cuz now shes probably gonna feel the way i am right now, and that is the complete opposite of what i want.

i love her and what happened in the past is not going to change that one bit. i know this and it will never change. but i just cant help thinking about what she told me and how much it hurts me to hear that, and i feel like that feeling is always going to be there in the back of my mind, and it will never go away.

please give me strength to let go of the past, please let me be able to enjoy what i have now and not let the past ruin the best thing thats happened to me in my life, right now.

please.

worst night of my life

i dont know why i feel the need to blog again about the same thing but ima do it anyway since i feel like i need to.

am i trying too hard. is it even worth it. is it just me or am i making a big deal over something i shouldnt be making a big deal over. i wonder if she feels the same thing.

i always find myself checking my texts, maybe even stalking her comments on myspace, logging onto aim just to see if shes on. does she do the same to me? it would make me so happy to know that she does, is that weird? but its the truth, at least it would show me that she cared. it would show me something. cuz right now im seeing nothing, and im left wondering if she even wants me anymore or if its just a half-assed relationship.

theres always excuses, never enough time, too busy, i dont even know. but at least i see it now. i want her to change, i need her to change. i want to be happy, but i want to be happy with her. but i dont think thats truly gonna happen unless i see something, anything that shows me what im looking for.

blogs are supposed to be rants, right?

thinking

i dont know why im writing this. i thought i was in love. then i rethought it. i think im falling for her, but i dont know if she feels the same way about me.

it seems like im the only one that tries in the relationship. it seems like she doesnt care if we dont hang out at all. it seems like she never feels sad or angry or pissed unless i do, and even then im not sure if shes just saying that to say it. it seems like there was something, and its slowly withering away.

why do we never talk on the phone? i dont know, "there's no reception at my house :(" and yet i have no problem texting you. and then before, you would pay her to drive you to his house just to see him, and now you have a hard time finding time for me at all.

i was disappointed, then sad, then happy, then pissed. now i just feel like shit. what the fuck is love anyway.