worst night of my life

i dont know why i feel the need to blog again about the same thing but ima do it anyway since i feel like i need to.

am i trying too hard. is it even worth it. is it just me or am i making a big deal over something i shouldnt be making a big deal over. i wonder if she feels the same thing.

i always find myself checking my texts, maybe even stalking her comments on myspace, logging onto aim just to see if shes on. does she do the same to me? it would make me so happy to know that she does, is that weird? but its the truth, at least it would show me that she cared. it would show me something. cuz right now im seeing nothing, and im left wondering if she even wants me anymore or if its just a half-assed relationship.

theres always excuses, never enough time, too busy, i dont even know. but at least i see it now. i want her to change, i need her to change. i want to be happy, but i want to be happy with her. but i dont think thats truly gonna happen unless i see something, anything that shows me what im looking for.

blogs are supposed to be rants, right?

thinking

i dont know why im writing this. i thought i was in love. then i rethought it. i think im falling for her, but i dont know if she feels the same way about me.

it seems like im the only one that tries in the relationship. it seems like she doesnt care if we dont hang out at all. it seems like she never feels sad or angry or pissed unless i do, and even then im not sure if shes just saying that to say it. it seems like there was something, and its slowly withering away.

why do we never talk on the phone? i dont know, "there's no reception at my house :(" and yet i have no problem texting you. and then before, you would pay her to drive you to his house just to see him, and now you have a hard time finding time for me at all.

i was disappointed, then sad, then happy, then pissed. now i just feel like shit. what the fuck is love anyway.