hmmm

i am really jealous, i guess. maybe im just paranoid or something is wrong with me, but idk. ive hung with her alot more and im more than happy at the way things have been going, but just this one thing is bothering me for some reason...

feel like she tried to hide that she was playing tennis tomorrow from me. why? i dont know. texting tony at 2 or 3 in the morning, what exactly are they talking about? waking up at 9 or 10 in the morning to go play tennis with friends yet seems unwilling to wake up that early for me. but i cant really say that cuz ive never asked her to wake up that early. and i guess im not invited to that tennis shit, didnt wanna invite myself if im not welcome.

i wonder if theyre gonna hang the rest of the day, too... that would really get me pissed. god, maybe im just really really jealous or paranoid or some shit. i think she tried to hide the fact she was texting/talking to whoever she was, and im left wondering why.

prolly look like a dumbass for even writing about stupid shit like this but fuck it.

?

confused. i didnt know relationships were supposed to work this way. i feel like there is supposed to be more, like im missing out on things im not supposed to missing out on. why do i feel so alone when im supposed to feel wanted, like i belong with someone. sure, you can say anything and everything you want but in the end its not whats said but what is done, what is shown through action, what is displayed.

there are days when im happy as can be, and then theres days like these. the only reason i think i even have happy days is the fact that i try to ignore this problem, and on my shittiest days i let it all out. i tell myself that its ok, its gonna get better, dont worry about it because time will take care of everything. but how long is this really gonna last? im tired of waiting for something that might not even happen. i feel like im wasting my time.

maybe one day ill let you read these blog entries, and maybe you will know how i feel when i type thse things. but right now i dont think you have any idea about how i feel, what im thinking. hopeless is more like it.

but then again, maybe im blowing things out of proportion. maybe not. my emotions are getting the best of me and i hate it because i have no idea what is going to happen in the future and if i will ever stay happy in this relationship. im not saying im unhappy, because i am genuinely and truly happy to know that i can say that i love someone and mean it, and that feeling of love that i have for you is real. its just a matter of whether that is enough for me to suffer through the whole week, thinking about you every second of every minute of every hour of every day, and not being able to see you for days on end. i guess you can say im getting tired of it, if i havent said it already.

im tired. im sad. im lonely.

its kinda funny how

i only blog when im pissed or sad or something, so you can guess what this blog is gonna be like.

what the fuck am i supposed to feel like when she tells me that she loved him before me, that she did what she did with him in less time than we did? just feel like shit now, i dont know why im so jealous or if theres something wrong with me but it pisses me off. maybe thats the way i am, and its my fault for feeling like this cuz now shes probably gonna feel the way i am right now, and that is the complete opposite of what i want.

i love her and what happened in the past is not going to change that one bit. i know this and it will never change. but i just cant help thinking about what she told me and how much it hurts me to hear that, and i feel like that feeling is always going to be there in the back of my mind, and it will never go away.

please give me strength to let go of the past, please let me be able to enjoy what i have now and not let the past ruin the best thing thats happened to me in my life, right now.

please.